Baby Mama Drama

So,it's been a while since i posted last but it has been a crazy couple of months. So after starting the chlomid (and becoming a total wreck for a month with extreme up and downs)I had high hopes and was in good spirits to take the next step to see if it would work. I went through the month and tracked my ovulation and........nothing, no ovulation, so it was back to talking to the Dr. and figuring out the next step. Well my Dr. told me not to lose hope and maybe i really did ovulate and it just didnt show up so i had to wait till day 30 of my cycle and take a pregnancy test and if it was negative we would go back to the drawing boards. So after a long couple weeks day 29 approached and no period and a negative pregnancy test another negative ovulation test and some lost hope, i started to give up. I felt so alone like no one would ever know the pain i was feeling! I decided i was gonna get out of the house and have a couple ddrinks and just get my mind off of things that night. So I went out with J and my friends and got pretty tipsy, had a blast and when we got home at 3:30 am J and i had even more fun! :) When i woke up the next day I took my ovulation test, came back 3 minutes later and..... YES!! I finally ovulated!! I called my doc to let him know and he wasnt so sure that i actually did ovulate since it was so late but i am keeping my head high and hoping and praying that i really did and that this time it works!!! So now I will have a couple more weeks to wait and wait and see if on day 50 I have 1 or 2 pink lines. J and I are keeping our faith and trying to stay positive even though some days are better than others. I am hoping that i dont get my monthly friend and that there is 2 pink lines on day 50!! :) Send us good thoughts, prayers and your love as this is the time we need them most!! Thanks all!
*S*

Baby Blues

Ugggghhhh! Today is an emotional roller coaster already. So to start off I had my appt on Friday to talk about my problems with my Dr. and really wanted J to come with, but of course his hunting took priority. The most stressful time in our (well i guess in my) life and hes not there to comfort me...thanks for that J! So he didn't come but my mom did and so did my sister. It wasn't the same because i thought J was feeling the same about this as i was so he could feel the same as i was and relate but at least i had some support since i had no idea what was going to happen! So I went to the Dr appt and talk to my Dr about what was happening and my worries and showed her my tracking sheet of my temperatures, and just as i expected i wasn't ovulating at the right time nor long enough to be able to get pregnant. (What's that sound...oh just my heart breaking a lil bit) So she talked to me about my options and what to do next and refered me to an OBGYN. Turns out the only have one left in the hospital so she wasnt sure when i would get an appt, but when i went to make the appt they had a cancellation at 1 that day (an hour later) so i took it. Now i had an hour to kill, had to pee like crazy and had to save it because they might need a sample and was nervous as heck! The hour seemed to take forever and i couldn't help but be mad at J for not being there for me. Once i got to my appt and talked to the nurse about what was going to happen i was a little more at ease. When the Dr. came in it was a guy so it was a little awkward for me since it was my first physical with a man let alone another person watching. All in all he told me everything seemed normal and i probably just wasn't ovulating and he could help me with that. He put me on chlomid a fertility drug to help me do so. I will start this month and am hoping and praying that this helps. If it doesn't we go on to check J's swimmers, my uterus, and my Fallopian tube, then if all is well with them the up the dosage of my fertility drugs. So after all of that i just wanted to go home and be with J and tell him whats going on but that isn't what happened. instead he asked what happened so i started telling him and he just made jokes about everything which made me upset and shut down. Since then we have been fighting and its making me wonder if we are even ready for this in our life right now. I know this is a stressful time but i just feel J isn't there for me and doesn't want this as much as i do. It all boiled into today and today has been horrible. Crying all morning and being angry and he still wasn't here for me. I want to be positive but I'm not sure if J is ready for this. I hope he comes around before i have to start this process by myself because I am going to need him!!!
Thanks for listening!!
*S*

Trying so hard for a baby!!

So, as my weight loss journey continued and ended and is now back on my life is in a very different place. I got married in May and my husband and I have been trying to a baby since before that, but shhhh dont tell his mom! :) I have never had regular periods and always felt as though i couldnt have kids so when it came time to try for a baby lets just say i was a little nervous. I have brought up to my hubby J many time that what if i couldnt get pregnant and he always just brushed it off and said that i am crazy it will happen. Well present day time i am not so sure he is feeling that way anymore. Anyway I went to the doctor and got a physical and she started me on a hormore to regulate my period and i had to start tracking my temperature to see IF i was even ovulating and IF i was when. Well after month 1 i was thrilled to see that i was ovulating, but why was it so late........then month 2 hit and it was even later in my cycle. (day 24 1st month and day 26 2nd month) I thought this was weird since it was only a couple days before my next peiod so i started looking on the internet (big mistake) to see if this was commmon, normal, ok, anything, but what i found just scared me to death. I found lots of women in my same boat at a discussion forum and started reading thinking they would say it took awhile but it happened....instead i found "it took a long time then i miscarried", "it still hasnt happened and my dr isnt sure it will" and more bad news. I started crying immediatley (not knowing if this is even whats wrong with me) and J got out of the shower to see me uncontrolably sobbing and didnt have any idea what was going on. I called my mom only for her to tell me, "I am your mother and i know it will happen!" Now i know she meant that to make me feel better but all i could do is think, how the hell does she know, she doesnt know whats wrong with me, i dont even know! That has been what everyone has been saying but no one knows what and how i am feeling! I feel so worthless as a woman and a wife. What if i cant give J a baby, what if i will never be a mother? All these "what ifs" run through my head everyday, and no one understands. Everytime i get my period i mourn a loss that was never even there and it hurts more than anything in the world. I know that it still can happen and i know there are tons of ways these days for it to happen, it just sucks to try so hard month after month for it to fail. It seems like everytime we get a step closer something happens and sets us back 2 steps. I hope this is nothing or just a small fix but i cant help but wonder about the what ifs. I meet with my Dr the day after thanksgiving and will find out more then, but until then im not sure what i am gonna do. Being a mother is something i have wanted my whole life, and it hurts to see or hear about people everyday getting accidentally pregnant or getting abortions. I fell like i have no one to talk to so I felt i should get these feelings out somewhere. I am hoping and praying for my little one to come to J and I and for some good news on the 26th. Until then ill keep waiting and trying to stay positive and thankful for the people and things i do have in my life right now that are wonderful! Thanks for listening! *S*

If i didnt have bad luck i wouldnt have any at all!

so... did i ever mention that my fricken car was all of a sudden considered not road safe and i couldnt drive it....well it was. So i was down a car and using my boyfriends....well just my luck his got a flat and now im using my moms. Also, my computer crashed or at least it wont turn on! ugggg! Cant anything just go good for me? In my last life i must have been terrible to get all this! Sometimes ill sit and try to think of what i did that im given all this bad luck but ive never really done anything so im just gonna say sorry to everyone and maybe it will get better!
on a better note....i lost 2.4 pounds so im down 11.2 total on my weight watchers! i feel i didnt try my hardest this past week so i know i can do better and i am happy about that. I am now setting small goals for each week and writing them on a piece of paper and hanging it on my fridge and putting it my tracking book so i see it every day. This week i want to reach my 5% goal and get to 13lbs. So, i have to lose 1.8, but i am hoping to excede that!
Also, i fell i am so lucky to have my boyfriend! i dont want to brag or anything but he is really the greatest and i love him soooooo much! at times i want to strangle him but mostly he is so good to me. yesterday he called me after work and wished me luck at my metting even though he knew i would do good. right after he knew my metting was over, even though he was in school, he left class for a min to call and see what i lost. i think he is just excited as i am even though he wants my boobs to stay. i love him!
well im off to make breakfast.....*S*

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Well, first off i obviously need to blog more than once a week! So much is going through my head right now and i just want to scream!
Secondly, to all the mammas reading thank you from every one of your children to you!! I am not a mother but caring for 4 a day is so demanding, and while i love it and love being with children because they are so refreshing, some days(like today) i just wanna say....HELLLOOOO WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?!?!?!?! I of course don't because they would probably think i am nuts but i think about it a lot. It's like every breakfast lunch and diner you ask what they want but wouldn't it be great if they said i don't know "S" what do you want? I know it has to be hard giving your whole life to your children and loving them more than you even love yourself and i give you all a lot of credit! And to my sis "R" i love ya girl and you are doing a fine job as a mother!! I guess the reason i started even thinking about this has nothing to do with kids, but my boyfriend "J". I asked him to do one thing for me last night and did he do it...uh nope! Then he comes in the door tonight and says whats for dinner? I said its in the fridge...but what i really wanted to say was i dunno what are you going to make for me?? Or whatever you make!! Wow this venting feels really good!!!
Thirdly, and on a better note i lost 1.8lbs! I made up for last week and i feel great but i really wish it would have been more! What my leader said in class today really hit home though so i am gonna try to focus on the good stuff i did through the week instead of all the bad and being so hard on myself. I can do this, i can and will lose the weight!!
And last but not least, why cant anyone ever just do something without having to be asked?!?!?! I guess i am don't ranting and raving for one night but I'm sure i will be back soon!!
*S*

Frustrated...this may get deep

-K- Here goes some more rambling! I am very upset with myself even though i shouldn't be but, i gained a pound this week! It sucks and i feel terrible. It's weird cause i feel like everyone i tell is disappointed in me. When in all actuality i should be the only one disappointed. My leader told me not to get upset cause everyone has set backs and i knew already that i was gonna have a bad week due to the housewarming party and birthday parties. She tried to make me feel better but it didn't work. She told me that my first two weeks were great and most people are lucky to lose .5 pounds in a week. Maybe i am being too hard on myself but i really want to lose weight this time and keep it off. I just have been looking at myself in the mirror a lot lately and picking at all the negative things. I lay in bed at night and wonder if my boyfriend is even attracted to me anymore. All i can think is who can ever be attracted to me...I'm disgusting...how the hell did i let myself get here??!?! I cant help but to think about what J's friends think about me and what they say behind my back, what people at restaurants think when they see me and so on. I try to stay strong and most of the time i am but lately i just feel like i need a break from that tough exterior. I am lacking my self confidence right now and wish it would come back cause right now i feel like a fat piece of shit!! Well that was depressing but i needed to get it off my chest! c-ya ~S~

Yah!!

*I have to warn all who read my blog it may be really random because i am just wrinting as i think so sorry! :)
So i had my weight watchers meeting lastnight and lost 4lbs! That makes a total of 8.8lbs in my first two weeks. I am really glad this is working and hope the pounds keep coming off like this! Even though my meeting leader reminded me that i should be happy of just losing anything each week and this is not typical(way to burst my bubble huh?) Anyway, I am happy and i have been feeling so much more energized lately.
I have been doing the Wii fit this week too and wow that is a workout. I like it because it is very entertaining and i also get a workout in. I am pretty pissed that the scale on it isnt very accurate though! I did it 3 times in a row and it gave me a different weight each time. Oh well its still fun.
I am very excited for monday because my sister is paying for me to get my hair did..lol! But seriously that is so nice and if you are reading this thanks so much! That will help me boost my confidence a lot!
By the way did i mention i have a new puppy?! Well right now he is driving me insane!! he is running in circles going nuts! Plus i just took him out togo to the bathroom and he wouldnt go and then i bring him in and he poops on the floor....helllllloooo dog thats why i just brought you outside!!!!
Well, I have to do some lesson plans for tomorrow before the munchkins wake up so im out!
*S*