Baby Blues

Ugggghhhh! Today is an emotional roller coaster already. So to start off I had my appt on Friday to talk about my problems with my Dr. and really wanted J to come with, but of course his hunting took priority. The most stressful time in our (well i guess in my) life and hes not there to comfort me...thanks for that J! So he didn't come but my mom did and so did my sister. It wasn't the same because i thought J was feeling the same about this as i was so he could feel the same as i was and relate but at least i had some support since i had no idea what was going to happen! So I went to the Dr appt and talk to my Dr about what was happening and my worries and showed her my tracking sheet of my temperatures, and just as i expected i wasn't ovulating at the right time nor long enough to be able to get pregnant. (What's that sound...oh just my heart breaking a lil bit) So she talked to me about my options and what to do next and refered me to an OBGYN. Turns out the only have one left in the hospital so she wasnt sure when i would get an appt, but when i went to make the appt they had a cancellation at 1 that day (an hour later) so i took it. Now i had an hour to kill, had to pee like crazy and had to save it because they might need a sample and was nervous as heck! The hour seemed to take forever and i couldn't help but be mad at J for not being there for me. Once i got to my appt and talked to the nurse about what was going to happen i was a little more at ease. When the Dr. came in it was a guy so it was a little awkward for me since it was my first physical with a man let alone another person watching. All in all he told me everything seemed normal and i probably just wasn't ovulating and he could help me with that. He put me on chlomid a fertility drug to help me do so. I will start this month and am hoping and praying that this helps. If it doesn't we go on to check J's swimmers, my uterus, and my Fallopian tube, then if all is well with them the up the dosage of my fertility drugs. So after all of that i just wanted to go home and be with J and tell him whats going on but that isn't what happened. instead he asked what happened so i started telling him and he just made jokes about everything which made me upset and shut down. Since then we have been fighting and its making me wonder if we are even ready for this in our life right now. I know this is a stressful time but i just feel J isn't there for me and doesn't want this as much as i do. It all boiled into today and today has been horrible. Crying all morning and being angry and he still wasn't here for me. I want to be positive but I'm not sure if J is ready for this. I hope he comes around before i have to start this process by myself because I am going to need him!!!
Thanks for listening!!
*S*

Trying so hard for a baby!!

So, as my weight loss journey continued and ended and is now back on my life is in a very different place. I got married in May and my husband and I have been trying to a baby since before that, but shhhh dont tell his mom! :) I have never had regular periods and always felt as though i couldnt have kids so when it came time to try for a baby lets just say i was a little nervous. I have brought up to my hubby J many time that what if i couldnt get pregnant and he always just brushed it off and said that i am crazy it will happen. Well present day time i am not so sure he is feeling that way anymore. Anyway I went to the doctor and got a physical and she started me on a hormore to regulate my period and i had to start tracking my temperature to see IF i was even ovulating and IF i was when. Well after month 1 i was thrilled to see that i was ovulating, but why was it so late........then month 2 hit and it was even later in my cycle. (day 24 1st month and day 26 2nd month) I thought this was weird since it was only a couple days before my next peiod so i started looking on the internet (big mistake) to see if this was commmon, normal, ok, anything, but what i found just scared me to death. I found lots of women in my same boat at a discussion forum and started reading thinking they would say it took awhile but it happened....instead i found "it took a long time then i miscarried", "it still hasnt happened and my dr isnt sure it will" and more bad news. I started crying immediatley (not knowing if this is even whats wrong with me) and J got out of the shower to see me uncontrolably sobbing and didnt have any idea what was going on. I called my mom only for her to tell me, "I am your mother and i know it will happen!" Now i know she meant that to make me feel better but all i could do is think, how the hell does she know, she doesnt know whats wrong with me, i dont even know! That has been what everyone has been saying but no one knows what and how i am feeling! I feel so worthless as a woman and a wife. What if i cant give J a baby, what if i will never be a mother? All these "what ifs" run through my head everyday, and no one understands. Everytime i get my period i mourn a loss that was never even there and it hurts more than anything in the world. I know that it still can happen and i know there are tons of ways these days for it to happen, it just sucks to try so hard month after month for it to fail. It seems like everytime we get a step closer something happens and sets us back 2 steps. I hope this is nothing or just a small fix but i cant help but wonder about the what ifs. I meet with my Dr the day after thanksgiving and will find out more then, but until then im not sure what i am gonna do. Being a mother is something i have wanted my whole life, and it hurts to see or hear about people everyday getting accidentally pregnant or getting abortions. I fell like i have no one to talk to so I felt i should get these feelings out somewhere. I am hoping and praying for my little one to come to J and I and for some good news on the 26th. Until then ill keep waiting and trying to stay positive and thankful for the people and things i do have in my life right now that are wonderful! Thanks for listening! *S*